So today and this week have been one of those weeks where I just can't get it together, I miss him so much. I actually forgot he was dead and picked up the phone and called him, my mom still has his cell phone turned on so I even got his voicemail. The hurt won't go away and neither does the need for him. It's funny because some days I smell like him, and those are the days I don't want to take a shower, because I don't want the smell to go away and have to wait for it to come back. So many things I need to show him, ask him, tell him, just everything. My head spins and I am angry but not in the angry like you would think. And sometimes when I see someone who reminds me of him, I just stare and want to hug them. My Unlces look and sound so much like him, that part of me wishes I could be with the everyday. It's so overwhelming the way this feels. Every second of everyday no matter what I am doing, I am thinking about him and missing him. I need his humor back in my life, I NEED HIM!!!!!! I think about the hospital and the end, I was so mad because we always won, we were Ingram's and we always pulled through, and this time we were defeated. We spent the last 2 weeks in that hospital all of the time, camped out in the waiting area, and many nights I would sleep in his room, in two of the most uncomfortable chairs, I couldn't wait for him to wake up so I could complain about that. I joked with him about his "food", when they put it in the feeding tube, because that is what we always did. I am thankful that the last day I had with him, he was awake and I'm glad I didn't know it was almost the end, because we acted like we always would. He even kicked me out of the room for drawing a picture of a tube going into his ass (that is what I put on my drawing) he would get so embarrassed when I talked like that. It was the best day, looking back now we could of had. When they came to take him for the surgery he looked at me and said "Don't Leave Me", I just said you have to go, but we are waiting and love you. And that was that, he fought so hard, and the sickness was just to much, so my family sat around and prayed for a miracle. The miracle never came, he coded once while we were in the room, and we heard them say no pulse at least 3 times. I knew that was the end but he made a come back then too...eventually the come backs became fewer and farther apart, and then it became obvious that we were no longer there for him anymore but for us, the meds and hospital could have kept him "ALIVE" for a long time but it was over. My mom and brother didn't see it, but I knew, I don't know if he told me but I knew, he started bleeding out and swelling and his face started to change, so we talked and my mom understood. We made the decision to stop the meds, the nurse came in when the meds ran out and started cutting everything off, the room was packed and we held his hand or some part of him. Dr. Bella came in and Dr. Goldberg and a few others, he never took another breath on his own and then it was over, and then she said it (Bella) time of death 6:10, I can still hear her so clearly, and to see her and the other Dr's and nurses cry made everything even harder. My dad had touched them and he was really never awake there. But that quick it was over, it was all over. We held hands and prayed, not to much because my dad...well if you knew him you know why we didn't over do it. We recited the Lord's Prayer and then we all same at the same time my dad's famous saying, "This is bullshit", and God it was. I remember thinking how crazy it was the I just watched the man who saw me take my first breath take his last. Life is truly something. My mom a widow at 56, my brother and I without our dad in our 30's and my kids without their poppy!!!
My dad had been in the same room the entire time and it wasn't until he died that we heard the train whistle for the trains going by. I believe that was my dad telling us he was ok and he was gone. Leaving him in that room was the hardest. But luckily Darryl, the best RN ever was working that night, he cleaned my dad all up and even put his ball cap on his head. We left the hospital that night and headed back to the Beach, I still called the hospital and talked to Darryl and dozen times that night, because I had to check on him.....so that's that for now........as I always say TBC............
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
