Push It

Myrtle Beach 2010

Classic hit the ball from the mouth tee

Ava putting for Poppy

Nicki and Terry

Ronnie Miles

Zach putting for Poppy

Today started out like most of my days, woke Zach up and off to school he went, sat downstairs and watched my dvr'd shows from the night before waiting for Ava to wake up.  Today I had a doctor appointment scheduled and of course the mini-human accompanied me.  The days was going pretty good and then Push It came on the radio and I had a melt down....and YES I said PUSH IT by Salt-N-Peppa!! Not a sad song, nope not at all, but completely a Ron Ingram song, who refused to sing it correctly, it was not Push It to my dad, it was Bullshit!! And that is how he always sang it.  Most days its the small things I miss the most, the awful jokes that he would tell, that were funny the first five times, but never seemed to lose their humor to him, which were then follwed by my mom yelling at him "Shut the hell up Ron", and him quickly telling her, "Aww go to hell", it was awesome.  I miss when I let the cat out he would ALWAYS say without fail, "Yeah, go out and play with the big trucks."  I miss when we would be somewhere together if something or someone interesting walked in, we would just look at each other and laugh.  Lot's of things I miss, but this week I miss the infamous Annual Myrtle Beach Trip.  This trip was something that my dad (and John) looked forward to every year and NOTHING or NO ONE would keep them from Myrtle Beach during the month of May! It is a group of 25+ friends from all over, who meet up and play golf, cook out, drink and just enjoy each other and their time away from their wives, children, grandchildren, and work.  My dad had gone to MB ever since I can remember, John would come pick him up, because John always had the pimp car, and they would leave at the butt crack of dawn, every year they were just as excited as the year before. Looking back now, I'm so glad my dad had those memories.  John was in charge of making all the arrangements and getting the deposits etc, doing all the leg work that no one would want to do, and when he died my dad started arranging the trip, and that is when the trip turned into the John Miles golf trip.  I will never forget how pitiful my dad looked the night before he would leave, I hurt for him because I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling.  He always said Bullshit, in fact thinking backing definitely a Ron Ingram Phrase, and I know that is exactly what he felt, it was BULLSHIT that John was a memory and not here to take these trips and smoke my dad out with his stinky cigars! Those two were so funny.  So for 10 years they had the Annual John Miles trip, and even before my dad's surgery was scheduled he was already receiving checks from around the country with every one's deposit.  So unfortunately my dad didn't make it to Myrtle Beach last year but all the guys invited my mom, brother, sis-n-law, Nicki (John's daughter) and I down for cookout night.  Well that was huge considering it is pretty much forbidden for women to be on scene there (unless she is a stripper : ) ) So we went and it was great to meet so many of the people we had heard stories about and had even spoken to on the phone.  They had some great golf shirts made for everyone, very classic and tasteful, one sleeve says John Miles 1999 and the other Ron Ingram 2010.  Well let me say that is DOUBLE BULLSHIT!!! Some days I can't fathom how on earth we lost them both. I want to be angry but it doesn't change anything.  Doesn't change the shirts, the hurt, the anything.  How is it that the diagnoses and everything were almost identical time frames..John's was on dad's 50th and my dad's on his 60th. I can't comprehend that, no matter how hard I try.  Back to MB, our trip was great as I said, one of the guys, who my dad told us about, said he was the nicest guy but always has that damn camera out : ) Well thank God he did, he and Ronnie Miles (John's brother) made everyone some really great cd's and dvd of their MB trip the previous year.  Pictures of them on the golf course and video of them all intoxicated dancing and singing.  The best part of that video was when my dad walked out because he was on the phone with my mom.  I know she liked it to but it was so hard watching knowing it was her that was on the other end of that call.  Anyways we had a great trip down, and I understood why my dad loves all of those guys so much.  We had a nice little memorial/tribute to my dad, we all walked out on to the course and hit golf balls.  Terry (another close friend) made a nice little speech and then the fun started. 
It's funny because people always think as time goes by your healing should get easier, well I can tell you, the hurt changes but easy is not a word I would use to describe any of this.  Everyday has new challenges.  Some days you feel guilty for being happy and letting joy back into your life, for every new chapter that begins that is one more reminder that he is gone and it's permanent.  So many things that happen with the kids everyday that he lived for knowing, I would say he misses but he doesn't they miss out because they will never know how everything they did made him feel.  They will never understand that my parents would do anything and I mean anything for those two.  If Zachary and Ava wanted something they got it. And my dad would make sure of that.  I am happy that right before dad's diagnosis he took Zach to Ford's Colony and they played golf together.  My dad was so excited, and of course Zachary came back with clubs.  My dad made great memories with his grand kids and made sure they knew how much he loved them.  Hopefully one day Zachary and his friends can start their own MB golf outings.

John Miles 1999

                                  Ron Ingram 2010

This was John's last golf outing before he died

SN: On one of the trips my mom had called my dad and one of the guys answered, so my mom asked to speak to Ronnie, my dad picks up the phone and says "Hey Mary", my mom says "Who the Hell is Mary", ha ha ha, well my dad started laughing and explained that this particular year they weren't up for any clubs so they had called around to have the club come to them!!!! So BUSTED!!!! we still talk about that, just another classic moment amongst the Ingram's!

My Dad, My Angel

Your battle is now over, no more tears do I have to watch you cry,

You can breathe again dad, you have been healed

no more pain, and no more suffering, will you ever have feel again

Enjoy your days in heaven, drinking wine, eating all the steak and chocolate ice cream you can,
 and playing countless rounds of golf with John, I'm happy the two of you can finally play together again

I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad, the greatest man I ever knew.
You were always there for me and that I always knew, no matter what it ever was

 I could always count on you, you were my best friend Dad, I love that I'm so much like you

Until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye
You never gave up, you fought until there was nothing left in you
This was never how we planned this, but I think you always knew
I know you weren't ready and would have stayed if you could

Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
Just make sure your still here for me to hug me when I cry
Because you still are my dad even though you died

Our time together was the best and your life ended way to soon

The Little Things

Today I came across my dad's lunch box, and I am pausing a moment because it is still taking my breath away.  I knew that it was here, I just hadn't opened it yet.  My dad has had this lunch box for 10 years at least, and my mom packed it for him and had it on the counter ready for him every night.  I opened it up and he had his utensils and other misc things in there but the one thing that stood out was his chap stick.  I opened it and you could still see the marks from his lips on it.  I wanted to rub that tube all of me, I even smelled it. Funny how I have so many of his things and something so simple as a little thing of chap stick can make you so sad and become so sentimental.  I left everything the way it was and I decided not to start using the chap stick because I didn't want it to be gone.  Funny because right before his surgery he went for his Sam's Club shopping extravaganza and he bought me paper towels, cat food, trash bags, and juice boxes, and I just now threw away the wrappers because they were the last things he touched.  I can see how some people become hoarders because if it is anything he bought for the kids, Chris or myself, I don't want anyone to touch it.  I know eventually I won't be so obsessive about things like this. I was the same way with things from John, and if you notice my dad must have been too because he adopted a lot of John's shirts, I'm sure it made it feel closer to John.  I tell people when they ask me how I am doing that it is usually the days that you don't think about that are harder than highly anticipated days.  This year I did alright during Christmas, and New Years, I was a disaster, just layed in bed. I missed Jeff's (Misty's husband) 40th birthday because I couldn't bring myself to do normal.  Sometimes I wish I could just wear a shirt that says 'HEY I'M HAVING A TIME OUT FROM LIFE RIGHT NOW, MY DAD DIED AND I CAN'T DEAL TODAY, DON'T NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND JUST NEED YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE'. or maybe I need time out dad is dead, who knows, some days the hurt and grief is so overwhelming that I don't want to talk about it, I don't want the sympathy, and I definitely don't want the I'm sorry's, or he's with you, or all the repetitious things that sound good.  I know it is said with only the best intentions but the truth is unless you have actually gone through this, you can imagine how I feel but you honestly don't know. So some days, yes, even a year later, I just need to deal with it my way and unfortunately that means withdrawing for a day or so, or maybe just an hour.  Unless you can tell me what happened was complete bull shit than just wait for me to shake it.  And not all memories make me cry and sad but my dad was so young that it is hard to see his death as a positive and because it all happened so fast it's hard for me to say well at least he isn't suffering anymore.  Because as awful as this sounds, his suffering was as bad as it could have been and if I knew he was going to die I would have chose him to suffer a little longer.  6 month from diagnoses to death is just not comprehendible to me.  And 2 months of those he was basically in a coma. I know I sound like a complete jerk but our time with my dad wasn't up.  I hate that the memories Zachary and Ava have of him will continue to fade until soon they won't remember him at all.  They will never understand and know how much he adored them.  They will never feel and know the love he gives.  To be loved by that man was truly amazing....I was lucky and am thankful that he was my dad.......tbc : )

Coltrain update:

Ava got her cast put on today, and to my surprise she picked a blue cast.  She is being a trooper but is definitely soaking up all of the attention and pretends to be handicapped when it suits her, funny girl.  The utility room is back up and running and is amazing!!! Can't believe a washer and dryer could be so exciting...yipee for growing mature (lol) Zachary wants to do chores and get paid $5 a week, I agreed because I am not a psychic but I feel confident when I say I don't see that lasting long!!!

Mother's Day....

Happy Mother's Day!! Sometimes it is still hard to believe that I am a mom.  How lucky am I to be apart of something so great yet sooooo hard! I remember when I was pregnant how cute it all seemed.  I was so lucky with Zachary and Ava, they were the easiest babies.  They both started pulling all nighters when they were about 3 weeks old, had no formula or food issues ever, were rarely sick, no reflux, nothing.  I can honestly say that I was a happy mom, I never felt overwhelmed or stressed.  I enjoyed every minute of motherhood from the beginning and because of that I have made great memories with both of my kids.  Zachary was definitely my mild mannered child, we did everything together.  I would put him on the back of my bike and we would go everywhere. He was the happiest kid.  Ava on the other hand, well she became her sweet self at an early age!! They both never stop amazing me.  They definitely can brighten any day.. but I will tell ya, I thought once I got past the toddler stage it would be smooth sailing, HA HA HA!! Zachary is 8 and becoming his own person, starting to have his own opinions and voicing them, and Ava well she is Ava and she always voices her opinion.  Funny how you have stages of motherhood as well as different levels of difficulty, who would have thought you never get a break?! : ) Makes me realize what an amazing person my mom really is.  Being a parent is not easy.  Being a family isn't easy, keeping your sanity and not losing yourself isn't easy either.  Luckily I have always had a great support system and have never totally lost myself in all of the 'MOMMY MADNESS'!!!
I was talking with Zach today and reminded him that today was my special day, and he looked at me and said "Mom, everyday is your special day, you always do what you want".  And that got me thinking, I use to take so much for granted, and when I am on facebook, I read peoples posts and how their husbands tell them on a specific day that they love them, or they get to go get a manicure or pedicure etc, and I finally got it, Chris tells me everyday at least 10 times that he loves me for no reason, or he just gives me that little rub or pat, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, I always do the special things for myself, and these are things that he does for me everyday not just on designated days.  I use to get so mad at him for not saying Happy Birthday enough or not getting a card to go with the gift or all the little dumb things that didn't matter.  Funny how I focused on the little things he didn't do but I never thanked him or appreciated what he did do.  He always tells me what a good mom I am, and thanks me for being so good to the kids. I am a lucky girl.  And the days I chose to be unlucky and pouty are because that is just what I feel like doing : ) Anyways I have my new p.j's on and I am ready for bed.  Have to take my Ava to get her cast put on in the a.m.
Until next time........ here is a little poem for all the mommy's

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.

Just John

3 best friends

One of John's last trips on Golf Course

John and Nicki

He had the best smile

He was a classic

And it happen like this......

So John was released from the hospital after all of the tests and diagnosis, and it was my dad's 50th birthday. We had planned a big party for my dad and of course none of else really felt like celebrating. I had also recently gotten engaged to Chris and since we all knew that John was getting worse by the second we would celebrate our engagement that night as well. I knew that we couldn't plan an engagement party quick enough for John to be able to attend and we all wanted him at as many events as he could be at. We made it through the party and we all celebrated something much more than my dad's birthday and my engagement, we celebrated each other. And for the the first time I realized how lucky we were to all be together and how genuinely we all loved one another. I was still in shock however that I gave up gifts and "my night" to make a memory with John and my family that was shortly going to be taken away from us. Normally I would share nothing with no one : ) The next few weeks were spent at John's house bringing him candy and listening to him ring this obnoxious bell he would ring whenever he needed us. We all spent a lot of time together, talking about the past and all of the good times, and talking about the future and what a tremendous hole we were all going to have in our hearts. We were scared and sad but happy at the same time. So many emotions, crazy now still thinking about it. I remember the night he died still so vividly, he was awake and alert up until the last moment. We were all there together. Nicki, my mom and dad, and Johns sister and her husband. I remember wanting to grab him and run far away, hoping it would keep him breathing longer, as the end drew closer the panic grew stronger, I just kept looking at how pitiful my dad looked, and knew that out of everyone of us standing around my dad would miss him the most. I know it sounds selfish but I didn't want him to leave my dad. The bond my dad and John had was so special, they were the best of friends. I knew my dad was going to be truly lost without his friend. And so John died, November 1999, and it still isn't much easier. I can still hear his voice as if he were in the same room with me. His death brought his daughter Nicki back to the area because she lived in Suffolk for a while and we rekindled our childhood friendship, and I was thankful for that. Because she is so much like him that it was a comfort and a peacefulness to be around her in the beginning. I know she made my dad feel better too. My dad would always light up when she was around.
So we all kept on with our lives, my dad like I figured had a hard time especially when it came time for their annual Myrtle Beach trip. Those always sucked!
So for 10 years I cherished every second spent with my family and friends. Even when they annoyed me and pissed me off, I always tried to keep things into perspective because of how quickly everything happened with John. One day we are out to dinner and literally 2 days later he is in a hospital bed being told he has terminal cancer, and he walked in to the hospital fine and just a few short days later had to have the assistance of a walker. It was that fast. So I didn't want to waste time or not cherish every holiday, every cookout, every lunch at Rancho Grande etc...but I will tell you I never once thought 10 years later my dad would be gone too!!!! So how ironic is it that the diagnosis and everything came in the same time frame. It was right before my dad's 60th birthday. My mom had been planning a surprise party and retirement party. We were going to all meet in Delaware (one of the beaches), the guys would golf like always and the ladies would shop. Funny that party had to be altered too. It was still a great party just different than it was suppose to have been. I never thought that that was going to be my dad's last birthday. I never thought that with a diagnosis of Esophageal Cancer that he was going to die. TBC

John's Song by Louis Armstrong:What A Wonderful World lyricsSongwriters: Thiele, Robert; Weiss, George David;I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/louis-armstrong-lyrics/what-a-wonderful-world-lyrics.html -]
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Oh yeah
May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month!!!!!!



Quick Tool Time Train update:
OK so momma got her new washer and dryer. Front loaders and these puppies are pretty!!!! But of course nothing we do ever goes smoothly, we need new plugs and our old detergent is no longer of any use to us, we now have to use HE detergent!!!

Cinco De Mayo a.k.a Danielle Day of Fun report:
So my lunch date with Suzanne turned out to be quite the adventure! Brian a.k.a Daddy Warbucks joined us and got hammered, we were feeling no pain and doing tequila shots at 2:45 in the afternoon, met new friends, Va's own Ronnie and blond snookie, we left with hats, necklaces, and mustaches!! And the best quote of the day came from none other than Ava, "you guys had to much refills"!!!! What a fun afternoon!

Everything happens for a reason??? I'm not so sure

So I have thought about doing this for a long time, everyday my head is consumed with thoughts and feelings that I want to get out but not on facebook : ) It seems like that last few years my life has been surrounded by so many ups and downs.  Many have been much needed learning experiences but the sorrow that I have gone through and some of my friends continue to go through seem endless.

  I never question God about what has happened or thought Why me? I know that a lot of people find a lot of comfort in God and scripture, and I'm not saying that I haven't had MANY conversations with Him, but I am confident that I would have fallen apart a long time ago if I believed everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that and I don't believe He takes you when it is your time.  I realized 11 years ago when John (my other dad) was diagnosed with brain cancer, glioblastoma to be exact(Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) is the most common and most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor in humans), that God couldn't benefit more from having him than his family could, and because I was fortunate to not have experienced much death in my life, I truly understood what was happening and the impact life and death had on all of us.  John was one of the most important people in my life and was definitely the most important in my parents.  He loved unconditionally and lived to make people happy.  He had a daughter whom he adored and a brand new grandson that brought a new sparkle to his eyes! He loved life and lived it to the fullest...even when he was diagnosed and the Doctors said this was the worst cancer to have and realistically chemo and radiation would do nothing, his tumor was doubling in size every 7 days, he never gave up.  Even as he took his last breath he was looking at everyone of us fighting to stay.  I knew then that God wanted him to be with us but there was something greater and more evil that was preventing him from being able to do so. And that is when it came to me that John being sick was the Devil, the cancer, the pain, all of it was the Devil, and God tried to make John better and when He realized He couldn't He had no choice but to take him.  He healed John of the Devil's poison because this was one battle that the Devil was going to win.  And God won with His healing and by bringing John home.  And so I know that when bad things happen it is the Devil trying to one up God, and God tries to help before He takes any of us and once God realizes He can't beat the evil, He removes us from it. So after only 2 months John was gone.  It was the first time that I had lost a relative, I was 24 years old.  And I learned so much from his death.  I understood that family and friends are a blessing and that you need to be more understanding of people and understand we are all different and not to waste time getting upset over small trivial things because it's not worth it.  We are all different and have our own ideas, I can't judge you for not thinking or feeling the same way I do, I can understand a different view and consider it or let you think what you want and keep my feeling to myself, if it doesn't affect me, why create unwanted drama?? I live my life everyday the way I want, I might not always do the right things or make the best choices, but everyday I am happy with myself and my life.
So this post is TBC....as I have a utility room to tend to, our dryer crapped out yesterday, and Tool Time Train decided to throw away the washer and dryer, and then he goes to Home Depot so needless to say we are under construction and I am tasked with painting today.  The house is in disarray and we are suppose to have a cookout for his birthday tomorrow night and I wanted to have my Kentucky Derby hat party Saturday.....this should be interesting : )