Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
So I will eventually post about the greatness of my life and I won't cloud it with the sorrow of not having my dad around, but today is not going to be that day! Sorry. I will say that I went to Target and bought the kids some special little prizes and had the table nice and decorated for them when they got home today.  Everyday is special for them and when they miss my dad, it's because they miss him not because I'm egging them too. I make sure to contain that emotion.  But this afternoon waiting for the bus looking at my mom and taking pictures, it took everything I had no to drop to my knees and scream and cry....mostly I wanted to scream, and not words just scream.  I understand he is dead, not PASSED he DIED for crying out loud, but I wonder when will I really ever accept it.  It is days like today, when the sky is beautiful and the clouds are so puffy that I stare into the sky and just wonder what he is doing, and if heave is so great and people are so happy there then why is it so damn hard for us here? We only get one life and we should be the ones who find the peace and they should be the sad ones until we get up there with them.  My mom finally admitted today she hasn't even begun to let herself accept any of this yet, and at that moment I realized as much as I thought I had, neither had I.  But I just looked at her and felt helpless.  How empty and alone must she feel? And nothing anyone says or does is ever going to make her whole again.  As much as I need him, she always needs him more.  I wish there was a way to make her feel safe and not hurt, it reminds me of an abandoned animal, they wander looking but they never really find their way.  And when I look in her eyes I see how lost she is.  This all sucks, sucks that part of my life seems like a blur, sucks that my dad is now past tense, that he was a father, brother, friend, uncle, veteran, and now he is ashes in a box, you live a life and then that's it, it's done and your in a container.  The day the man at the funeral home handed him to me I just looked at the box and thought so the man who busted his ass for 33 years to give me the world is this now? It was heavier than I thought ashes would be, but that is what he was now.  Than hands I held, the body I hugged, burned and in this box....My dad was suppose to be invincible, it was suppose to be someone elses dad.  I was suppose to be the friend who helped not the one who needed the help.  Ok well Coltrain just got home from his softball games so I am going to leave this and the tears for now : )  We have dinner menus to go over and I need to listen to him tell me how delicious my pork chops, potatoes, and brussel sprouts taste!!! Damn right bitches,, Danielle CrockPot is something to fear!!!