There are some days that I will look at his picture or just realize that 15 years from now he is still going to be gone. My heart start racing and beating so fast it feels like it is going to explode out of my chest. And it hurts, A LOT... I try to calm myself and think positive but it is to big, all of this is to big for me. I just need to talk to him, to tell him Zachary made honor roll the entire school year, or to tell him all the funny things that the kids say and do. I would talk to him at least 5 times a day. I miss him calling me and asking me why I bother having a phone, because I never answer. I just miss HIM. I need my dad. Everyday I need my dad. Funny because people ask me when certain holidays come around if I am ok or if I have been thinking about him more because Father's Day is coming, and sometimes I just say yes, because unless you have lived this, you don't understand. NO holidays aren't harder, every day is hard, I don't need special holidays to think about him. Tomorrow could be harder than his birthday, and SSaturday could be harder than Sunday, grief isn't typical and it has no control. I don't mean to sound so pitiful, because there are days I'm ok, but the sadness never goes away. I look at people and think, my dad will never be an old man, he doesn't get to hang out with his brothers anymore, he doesn't get to do his Route 66 trip, my mom us alone, and I wonder if people ever stop to realize how fortunate to be where they are? So many things that my family and dad were robbed of, he just died to soon. I wasn't ready to be without him, my mom wasn't ready to be a widow, my kids deserved to know him. I know he knew he wasn't going to make it through this, he never said it but looking back now he didn't have to. After his surgery he was never really conscious again. a little some days but we never really ever spoke again. The last day we had together was amazing, when mom and I made it to the hospital, he was sitting up and very alert. We had become friends with several of the Drs and RN's, so as soon as we got in the room, Dr. Bella(love her) peeked in and said he had been telling her to shut up all morning, it was so funny. My mom told him he had to behave, he had the compression wraps on his legs to keep him from getting blood clots, and he was so annoyed. He kept telling us to take them off and when we told him we couldn't he kept telling is it was bullshit! I showed him pics of the kids and some projects I had done, he was having a hard time talking so I held his hand and he wrote what he was trying to say. I was so happy and knew things were looking up. He was scheduled to have a procedure done sometime that afternoon, he was having his lungs drained because the fluid was building up. So we spent every second with him until they came to get him. I remember his face so vividly and after we said our see you laters, he looked me dead in my face and said "DON"T LEAVE ME", and I told him, he had to go but I would be there when the surgery was over waiting for him. That was the last thing my dad ever said to me....the look on his face was the most scared I had ever seen on any person, and I withdrew, because he couldn't be scared, and neither could we. It was a simple procedure and it was going to get us where we needed to be to get us out of there. Or so we thought, after the procedure he was having a difficult time saturating the vent, so by the end of the night he was back unconscious and the nightmare was just beginning.
Mom and I drove back home that night because I had court the next morning for that guy who had killed his girlfriend and decided to confess the deed to me (how fortunate for me) and it was one of the few times my mom had left Richmond in weeks. Of course we call and check on him all night and everything was as good as it could be, still not worried. Then later that afternoon, I called to check in with my mom and my dad had coded and they said we needed to get there. Luckily my brother was on his way to the Beach for a work meeting and when my mom received the call Ronnie was right in Richmond, so he was able to get to the hospital. I left court immediately and we were back at the hospital again. By the time I made it back, my dad was "stable" again. He was holding his own and things were looking back up. Still having the lung and breathing issue, but he was breathing!!! So the doc's said we needed to give it a few days and see how everything goes. It was the next morning that they told us my dad had A.R.D.S, (acute respiratory distress syndrome), I had never heard of this, and most people haven't! We were told to sing to him, talk to him, everything we already had been doing anyways. I sang to him all of the time and even gave him a few mani and pedi's! Talked to him a lot. I watched him as he just lay there, it was probably the most he had rested in 30 years. He looked amazing, hardly had any wrinkles. I kept a journal of all the funny things I wanted to tell him when he came home. We watched American Idol, and I filled him in on the contestants, he loved that show!!! The staff were amazing because they always made sure the t.v. was on his favorite shows and that he had the radio on. He had the best nurse Darryl, who I couldn't wait to tell dad about, oh the stories I had ready for him. He always took the best care of my dad, they all did really and they were always there for my mom. I'm going to stop for now..... TBC
A.R.D.S
Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) occurs when fluid builds up in the tiny, elastic air sacs (alveoli) in your lungs. More fluid in your lungs means less oxygen can reach your bloodstream. This deprives your organs of the oxygen they need to function.
ARDS typically occurs in people who are already critically ill or who have significant injuries. Severe shortness of breath — the main symptom of ARDS — usually develops within a few hours to a few days after the original disease or trauma.
Many people who develop ARDS don't survive. The risk of death increases with age and severity of illness. Of the people who do survive ARDS, some recover completely while others experience lasting damage to their lungs.
No comments:
Post a Comment