Tis that time

Hard to believe that on Saturday it will be 2 years since I have talked to my dad. December 10th was the surgery date. I can't believe it has been 2 years, it still feels like yesterday.  I remember walking into the room and he way laying there with his tongue out, and I laughed so hard, and was telling him all about it, I almost took his picture so we could laugh about it when he got home, but I didn't.  His recovery was suppose to be 10 days, so in a perfect world he would have come home on Christmas Eve, we figured out early on that that wasn't going to happen, so we had already planned on wheeling him into the lobby and all of us having Christmas at MCV.  That never happened either.  I swore I would never become angry because I understand my dad was sick, but I am angry and becoming so bitter.  I was taking out our Christmas decorations and he had started a train set for Zachary, and I found the receipt that he had signed.  My dad was so funny, witty, and caring.  He wanted to get a new train every year for the set and now I'm pissed because he bought 3 additional trains, instead of being thankful, I'm mad.  I'm so numb to death now and have lost a part of my caring for other people.  People always say it becomes easier with time, what liars they are.  Maybe for some people it does but not for me, everyday that goes by is a reminder of how lost and lonely my mom is, how my life is a little less fun, and how my kids are another day closer to not remembering him at all....and I'm suppose to find comfort in that?? Give me a break.  Nothing about my life is ever going to be the same.  I want to find peace but I need my dad.  I don't laugh the same as I did before and my days aren't ever fulfilled.  I miss getting phone calls from my dad about the "cheap shit" decorations my mom bought for him to put up and her calling me laughing because he would be so frustrated.  I miss this time of year going to their house and my mom making hot chocolate for us, laying by the fire, just talking or making fun of him because he can't hear us.  It all ended to soon and I am angry about that.  I miss the Christmas Eve shopping day with him, every year always the same, and I hate that mom and I can't torture him with the Cracker Barrel's, he swore we had made him eat at every Cracker Barrel on the East Coast,,,, we would be having a field day with him.  Then there is Zoey, my dalmatian... she died 3 weeks for him, she was 13.  I can't even go there yet, but I'm glad they are together.  So many things changed so fast.....

On a "happy" Danielle note, my kids are doing great in school.  I know I never have Zachism's, but that little guy is nothing short of amazing.  He is such an amazing boy.  He loves life, and enjoys everything.  He is so smart and loves doing good in school, he is becoming such an awesome soccer player (and we all know how happy that makes me), I just look at him and smile inside at what an amazing all around kid he is.  We have so much fun together talking and joking around.  He is getting to that point where he rolls his eyes at me when I piss him off and his mouth is a little fresh but I really couldn't have asked for a better little boy.  And Ava is learning so much at school, she is growing so fast, she definitely isn't as tolerant as Zachary but the fiestyness is what makes her Ava. We are very excited about going on our cruise, funny everyone says how we can drop the kids off and go off and do adult things, but the point was to take a family vacation and I want to experience everything with them, not send them off with some person to have fun with, but we will see, maybe I will reconsider once I'm laying on the deck with a beverage relaxing : )
Now I have to go help Gristrain outside and get ready for tree decorating tonight (we are late) Ho HO HO