9/19

So it's 10:40 and thankfully this day is almost over.  I bought him a card and his cake.  Funny that I still buy cards for him, some out of habit but mainly I'm scared not to buy the card, because that is just another conformation and reminder that this is real.  My dad was never big on cards but he knew the shit he would get if he didn't buy my mom cards, so over time he got use to them.  And he made sure he had his Hallmark's ready.  So today brought on lots of emotions, I had lots of laughs and tears shed today.  I was determined that I would have a happy day, because that is what he would have wanted.  But there are times that I crumble and cave to the thoughts of his last months.  I never really had a serious conversation with him about what he was feeling, it was all over his face so no words were ever really needed, but nothing changed, we treated everyday the same even though in the back of our minds CANCER was always lingering.  I completely detached myself from all of reality... the cancer I could accept, but death wasn't part of  any acceptance plan I had made. But it is the new normal and sadly the new reality.  So with each day brings everything new to me... I know he is with us always but oddly enough that brings me no peace.  I just miss my dad.  I'm lucky to of had him and cherish every memory. 
I know that my world hasn't ended and I have him in me to keep me going, and I have been lucky to have some of the greatest friends ever!! Unfortunately one of my friends understands this way more than she wishes she did.  Suzanne and I met when she and her family moved in a few houses down, shortly after they moved in, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I remember feeling so bad for her but I pulled away from her too, because if you have cancer you have to die right? Luckily that thought was proven otherwise, and my friend is cancer free.  Her dad and her battled cancer at the same time, talk about a father/daughter bond right?! Her dad's cancer unfortunately decided to make a reappearance and in the end it took him away from her too.  She called me and said he isn't going to make it the weekend so I am heading to Arkansas to spend time with him.  She called me on a Sunday and she was getting ready to come home,when the unthinkable happened.  Our conversation was this, she asked me had I talked to Brian (her husband) and she was crying, I said no not yet why, did your dad die? She said NO, MY MOM DID!!!!! I was in complete shock, her dad was still alive and her mom died suddenly and unexpected, so she went from Arkansas to Texas, and 2 days later her dad died.  I couldn't believe what was happening, I remember walking up the stairs and just dropping and crying my eyes out.  There were no words, I hated so much what she was feeling, and the only thing I could say was, well this fucking sucks! Your parents die two days apart, talk about getting trumped : )  I never tell her how thankful I am to have her in my life, or how much I enjoy just sitting outside and both of us looking to the sky and know we are thinking the same things even when we don't say a word. The drunk cry fests are my favorite or maybe the times we make light of the suckyness of it all and Anissa wants to run because although what we say is funny, she can't laugh about the dead.... Suzanne is the friend everyone should have.  I wish I knew how to be more connected on the appreciative level but I don't so oh well.  She is so much stronger than she gives herself credit for, during all of that she still stayed in school and started Nursing school this fall.  She has so much to be proud of.  Her moms birthday is next week, so we will have a cake for her too!
Until the next one....................