9/19

So it's 10:40 and thankfully this day is almost over.  I bought him a card and his cake.  Funny that I still buy cards for him, some out of habit but mainly I'm scared not to buy the card, because that is just another conformation and reminder that this is real.  My dad was never big on cards but he knew the shit he would get if he didn't buy my mom cards, so over time he got use to them.  And he made sure he had his Hallmark's ready.  So today brought on lots of emotions, I had lots of laughs and tears shed today.  I was determined that I would have a happy day, because that is what he would have wanted.  But there are times that I crumble and cave to the thoughts of his last months.  I never really had a serious conversation with him about what he was feeling, it was all over his face so no words were ever really needed, but nothing changed, we treated everyday the same even though in the back of our minds CANCER was always lingering.  I completely detached myself from all of reality... the cancer I could accept, but death wasn't part of  any acceptance plan I had made. But it is the new normal and sadly the new reality.  So with each day brings everything new to me... I know he is with us always but oddly enough that brings me no peace.  I just miss my dad.  I'm lucky to of had him and cherish every memory. 
I know that my world hasn't ended and I have him in me to keep me going, and I have been lucky to have some of the greatest friends ever!! Unfortunately one of my friends understands this way more than she wishes she did.  Suzanne and I met when she and her family moved in a few houses down, shortly after they moved in, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I remember feeling so bad for her but I pulled away from her too, because if you have cancer you have to die right? Luckily that thought was proven otherwise, and my friend is cancer free.  Her dad and her battled cancer at the same time, talk about a father/daughter bond right?! Her dad's cancer unfortunately decided to make a reappearance and in the end it took him away from her too.  She called me and said he isn't going to make it the weekend so I am heading to Arkansas to spend time with him.  She called me on a Sunday and she was getting ready to come home,when the unthinkable happened.  Our conversation was this, she asked me had I talked to Brian (her husband) and she was crying, I said no not yet why, did your dad die? She said NO, MY MOM DID!!!!! I was in complete shock, her dad was still alive and her mom died suddenly and unexpected, so she went from Arkansas to Texas, and 2 days later her dad died.  I couldn't believe what was happening, I remember walking up the stairs and just dropping and crying my eyes out.  There were no words, I hated so much what she was feeling, and the only thing I could say was, well this fucking sucks! Your parents die two days apart, talk about getting trumped : )  I never tell her how thankful I am to have her in my life, or how much I enjoy just sitting outside and both of us looking to the sky and know we are thinking the same things even when we don't say a word. The drunk cry fests are my favorite or maybe the times we make light of the suckyness of it all and Anissa wants to run because although what we say is funny, she can't laugh about the dead.... Suzanne is the friend everyone should have.  I wish I knew how to be more connected on the appreciative level but I don't so oh well.  She is so much stronger than she gives herself credit for, during all of that she still stayed in school and started Nursing school this fall.  She has so much to be proud of.  Her moms birthday is next week, so we will have a cake for her too!
Until the next one....................  

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

62

So tomorrow is my dad's birthday....he is 62 now (would have been)..... I can't believe that this is his 2nd birthday not here to celebrate with us.  I was cleaning my car out today and I actually found the birthday card I bought for him on his last birthday here, I never gave it to him.  He always loved my cards because I always found the funniest ones that always some how complimented me (hard to believe I know) The funny thing about this card was it was just like the usual ones I always bought, but I didn't even fill this one out.  I didn't think about it being the last card I would give him but I'm not sure why I didn't give it to him. 
Tomorrow he would have played golf and ate steak and drank lots of wine...I'm sure he and John will be doing that tomorrow, heaven probably has the best golf courses ever, and the clubs probably don't get messed up when thrown up there : )

Everyday I think about my dad and his life, everything he did, was and still is.  I couldn't believe out of all the places to get cancer he got it in the most important part of a food lovers body.  My dad loved to eat, and it was killing him not to be able to.  I always joked with him to lighten the situation but inside I was falling apart, I wanted him to be able to eat so badly that it made me sick.  I was so excited because before he left for his surgery my mom and him went to the steakhouse and he actually ate half of a steak, he was so happy! He called me from the parking lot to tell me about it and how he had the other half in a to go box and that was his lunch for the next day.  Funny that something we do everyday can affect you so much when it's taken away.  I'm happy to know that he can eat whatever and when ever he wants. 
Time to go pack lunches for tomorrow....to bad I don't have a shirt that says
TODAY IS MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY
AND HE IS DEAD
SO DON'T PISS ME OFF

OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR HEAD : )

Today there will be no ice cream, no cake, no presents or cards to be read

just a silent birthday wishes for my Ronnie Ingram, my Dad
no candles, no party, nothing like before  

no camel walk, or wine toasts, the memories have been made

just a teary-eyed birthday wish and a day of celebrating and remembering you

This is still YOUR special day, one we won't forgetSeptember 19th
Happy Birthday to my Dad

 

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
So I will eventually post about the greatness of my life and I won't cloud it with the sorrow of not having my dad around, but today is not going to be that day! Sorry. I will say that I went to Target and bought the kids some special little prizes and had the table nice and decorated for them when they got home today.  Everyday is special for them and when they miss my dad, it's because they miss him not because I'm egging them too. I make sure to contain that emotion.  But this afternoon waiting for the bus looking at my mom and taking pictures, it took everything I had no to drop to my knees and scream and cry....mostly I wanted to scream, and not words just scream.  I understand he is dead, not PASSED he DIED for crying out loud, but I wonder when will I really ever accept it.  It is days like today, when the sky is beautiful and the clouds are so puffy that I stare into the sky and just wonder what he is doing, and if heave is so great and people are so happy there then why is it so damn hard for us here? We only get one life and we should be the ones who find the peace and they should be the sad ones until we get up there with them.  My mom finally admitted today she hasn't even begun to let herself accept any of this yet, and at that moment I realized as much as I thought I had, neither had I.  But I just looked at her and felt helpless.  How empty and alone must she feel? And nothing anyone says or does is ever going to make her whole again.  As much as I need him, she always needs him more.  I wish there was a way to make her feel safe and not hurt, it reminds me of an abandoned animal, they wander looking but they never really find their way.  And when I look in her eyes I see how lost she is.  This all sucks, sucks that part of my life seems like a blur, sucks that my dad is now past tense, that he was a father, brother, friend, uncle, veteran, and now he is ashes in a box, you live a life and then that's it, it's done and your in a container.  The day the man at the funeral home handed him to me I just looked at the box and thought so the man who busted his ass for 33 years to give me the world is this now? It was heavier than I thought ashes would be, but that is what he was now.  Than hands I held, the body I hugged, burned and in this box....My dad was suppose to be invincible, it was suppose to be someone elses dad.  I was suppose to be the friend who helped not the one who needed the help.  Ok well Coltrain just got home from his softball games so I am going to leave this and the tears for now : )  We have dinner menus to go over and I need to listen to him tell me how delicious my pork chops, potatoes, and brussel sprouts taste!!! Damn right bitches,, Danielle CrockPot is something to fear!!!

New Beginnings

So tomorrow is the first day of school, and with that brings so many emotions.  First, I'm super excited for Zachary, he is such an amazing and happy little boy and he really enjoys going to school and learning.  He rocked his SOL's and I loved seeing how proud he was of himself, he just turned 9 two days ago and starts the fourth grade this year. I'm over the sadness of losing him to school and now look forward into seeing the kid and young man he will become, where he will go with the things he enjoys and how long his academic love affair will last : ) With that being said brings on my sadness and apprehension about tomorrow, of course I'm excited that Ava is growing up but did kindergarten have to come so quickly?? She has been attached to me at the hip for the past 5 years and now tomorrow starts a new beginning for she and I.  And just like with everything no matter how excited I am or sad I am the reminder that my dad is gone is always lurking.  I'm so hurt for her that he won't be here in the morning to watch her get on the bus and her say "see ya later Poppy", my mom will be here but he is always missing.  He was here on Zach's first day and I know he will be with us, but it's not the same, it's never going to be the same ever again.  So strange to be excited or look forward to something and then realize that every new beginning is another thing he is missing.  Sometimes I for get how to make sense of it all, sometimes I think about other situations and small children who don't get their dad for 33 years, or others who get their parents for 60years or more, but the fact is that this is MY sad, my grief, my pity party, my whatever I want it to be, because I don't have my best friend to call anymore about being excited or sad about tomorrow, and I get that people have things going on everyday but this is MY thing.  I don't expect people to understand, and most days I could careless if they get it or not.  I am just sad that tomorrow he isn't going to be there to watch his baby girl go to school.

Kindergarten orientation

Zach's first Day of Kindergarten

Graduation