The Little Things

Today I came across my dad's lunch box, and I am pausing a moment because it is still taking my breath away.  I knew that it was here, I just hadn't opened it yet.  My dad has had this lunch box for 10 years at least, and my mom packed it for him and had it on the counter ready for him every night.  I opened it up and he had his utensils and other misc things in there but the one thing that stood out was his chap stick.  I opened it and you could still see the marks from his lips on it.  I wanted to rub that tube all of me, I even smelled it. Funny how I have so many of his things and something so simple as a little thing of chap stick can make you so sad and become so sentimental.  I left everything the way it was and I decided not to start using the chap stick because I didn't want it to be gone.  Funny because right before his surgery he went for his Sam's Club shopping extravaganza and he bought me paper towels, cat food, trash bags, and juice boxes, and I just now threw away the wrappers because they were the last things he touched.  I can see how some people become hoarders because if it is anything he bought for the kids, Chris or myself, I don't want anyone to touch it.  I know eventually I won't be so obsessive about things like this. I was the same way with things from John, and if you notice my dad must have been too because he adopted a lot of John's shirts, I'm sure it made it feel closer to John.  I tell people when they ask me how I am doing that it is usually the days that you don't think about that are harder than highly anticipated days.  This year I did alright during Christmas, and New Years, I was a disaster, just layed in bed. I missed Jeff's (Misty's husband) 40th birthday because I couldn't bring myself to do normal.  Sometimes I wish I could just wear a shirt that says 'HEY I'M HAVING A TIME OUT FROM LIFE RIGHT NOW, MY DAD DIED AND I CAN'T DEAL TODAY, DON'T NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND JUST NEED YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE'. or maybe I need time out dad is dead, who knows, some days the hurt and grief is so overwhelming that I don't want to talk about it, I don't want the sympathy, and I definitely don't want the I'm sorry's, or he's with you, or all the repetitious things that sound good.  I know it is said with only the best intentions but the truth is unless you have actually gone through this, you can imagine how I feel but you honestly don't know. So some days, yes, even a year later, I just need to deal with it my way and unfortunately that means withdrawing for a day or so, or maybe just an hour.  Unless you can tell me what happened was complete bull shit than just wait for me to shake it.  And not all memories make me cry and sad but my dad was so young that it is hard to see his death as a positive and because it all happened so fast it's hard for me to say well at least he isn't suffering anymore.  Because as awful as this sounds, his suffering was as bad as it could have been and if I knew he was going to die I would have chose him to suffer a little longer.  6 month from diagnoses to death is just not comprehendible to me.  And 2 months of those he was basically in a coma. I know I sound like a complete jerk but our time with my dad wasn't up.  I hate that the memories Zachary and Ava have of him will continue to fade until soon they won't remember him at all.  They will never understand and know how much he adored them.  They will never feel and know the love he gives.  To be loved by that man was truly amazing....I was lucky and am thankful that he was my dad.......tbc : )

Coltrain update:

Ava got her cast put on today, and to my surprise she picked a blue cast.  She is being a trooper but is definitely soaking up all of the attention and pretends to be handicapped when it suits her, funny girl.  The utility room is back up and running and is amazing!!! Can't believe a washer and dryer could be so exciting...yipee for growing mature (lol) Zachary wants to do chores and get paid $5 a week, I agreed because I am not a psychic but I feel confident when I say I don't see that lasting long!!!