Tis that time

Hard to believe that on Saturday it will be 2 years since I have talked to my dad. December 10th was the surgery date. I can't believe it has been 2 years, it still feels like yesterday.  I remember walking into the room and he way laying there with his tongue out, and I laughed so hard, and was telling him all about it, I almost took his picture so we could laugh about it when he got home, but I didn't.  His recovery was suppose to be 10 days, so in a perfect world he would have come home on Christmas Eve, we figured out early on that that wasn't going to happen, so we had already planned on wheeling him into the lobby and all of us having Christmas at MCV.  That never happened either.  I swore I would never become angry because I understand my dad was sick, but I am angry and becoming so bitter.  I was taking out our Christmas decorations and he had started a train set for Zachary, and I found the receipt that he had signed.  My dad was so funny, witty, and caring.  He wanted to get a new train every year for the set and now I'm pissed because he bought 3 additional trains, instead of being thankful, I'm mad.  I'm so numb to death now and have lost a part of my caring for other people.  People always say it becomes easier with time, what liars they are.  Maybe for some people it does but not for me, everyday that goes by is a reminder of how lost and lonely my mom is, how my life is a little less fun, and how my kids are another day closer to not remembering him at all....and I'm suppose to find comfort in that?? Give me a break.  Nothing about my life is ever going to be the same.  I want to find peace but I need my dad.  I don't laugh the same as I did before and my days aren't ever fulfilled.  I miss getting phone calls from my dad about the "cheap shit" decorations my mom bought for him to put up and her calling me laughing because he would be so frustrated.  I miss this time of year going to their house and my mom making hot chocolate for us, laying by the fire, just talking or making fun of him because he can't hear us.  It all ended to soon and I am angry about that.  I miss the Christmas Eve shopping day with him, every year always the same, and I hate that mom and I can't torture him with the Cracker Barrel's, he swore we had made him eat at every Cracker Barrel on the East Coast,,,, we would be having a field day with him.  Then there is Zoey, my dalmatian... she died 3 weeks for him, she was 13.  I can't even go there yet, but I'm glad they are together.  So many things changed so fast.....

On a "happy" Danielle note, my kids are doing great in school.  I know I never have Zachism's, but that little guy is nothing short of amazing.  He is such an amazing boy.  He loves life, and enjoys everything.  He is so smart and loves doing good in school, he is becoming such an awesome soccer player (and we all know how happy that makes me), I just look at him and smile inside at what an amazing all around kid he is.  We have so much fun together talking and joking around.  He is getting to that point where he rolls his eyes at me when I piss him off and his mouth is a little fresh but I really couldn't have asked for a better little boy.  And Ava is learning so much at school, she is growing so fast, she definitely isn't as tolerant as Zachary but the fiestyness is what makes her Ava. We are very excited about going on our cruise, funny everyone says how we can drop the kids off and go off and do adult things, but the point was to take a family vacation and I want to experience everything with them, not send them off with some person to have fun with, but we will see, maybe I will reconsider once I'm laying on the deck with a beverage relaxing : )
Now I have to go help Gristrain outside and get ready for tree decorating tonight (we are late) Ho HO HO

9/19

So it's 10:40 and thankfully this day is almost over.  I bought him a card and his cake.  Funny that I still buy cards for him, some out of habit but mainly I'm scared not to buy the card, because that is just another conformation and reminder that this is real.  My dad was never big on cards but he knew the shit he would get if he didn't buy my mom cards, so over time he got use to them.  And he made sure he had his Hallmark's ready.  So today brought on lots of emotions, I had lots of laughs and tears shed today.  I was determined that I would have a happy day, because that is what he would have wanted.  But there are times that I crumble and cave to the thoughts of his last months.  I never really had a serious conversation with him about what he was feeling, it was all over his face so no words were ever really needed, but nothing changed, we treated everyday the same even though in the back of our minds CANCER was always lingering.  I completely detached myself from all of reality... the cancer I could accept, but death wasn't part of  any acceptance plan I had made. But it is the new normal and sadly the new reality.  So with each day brings everything new to me... I know he is with us always but oddly enough that brings me no peace.  I just miss my dad.  I'm lucky to of had him and cherish every memory. 
I know that my world hasn't ended and I have him in me to keep me going, and I have been lucky to have some of the greatest friends ever!! Unfortunately one of my friends understands this way more than she wishes she did.  Suzanne and I met when she and her family moved in a few houses down, shortly after they moved in, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I remember feeling so bad for her but I pulled away from her too, because if you have cancer you have to die right? Luckily that thought was proven otherwise, and my friend is cancer free.  Her dad and her battled cancer at the same time, talk about a father/daughter bond right?! Her dad's cancer unfortunately decided to make a reappearance and in the end it took him away from her too.  She called me and said he isn't going to make it the weekend so I am heading to Arkansas to spend time with him.  She called me on a Sunday and she was getting ready to come home,when the unthinkable happened.  Our conversation was this, she asked me had I talked to Brian (her husband) and she was crying, I said no not yet why, did your dad die? She said NO, MY MOM DID!!!!! I was in complete shock, her dad was still alive and her mom died suddenly and unexpected, so she went from Arkansas to Texas, and 2 days later her dad died.  I couldn't believe what was happening, I remember walking up the stairs and just dropping and crying my eyes out.  There were no words, I hated so much what she was feeling, and the only thing I could say was, well this fucking sucks! Your parents die two days apart, talk about getting trumped : )  I never tell her how thankful I am to have her in my life, or how much I enjoy just sitting outside and both of us looking to the sky and know we are thinking the same things even when we don't say a word. The drunk cry fests are my favorite or maybe the times we make light of the suckyness of it all and Anissa wants to run because although what we say is funny, she can't laugh about the dead.... Suzanne is the friend everyone should have.  I wish I knew how to be more connected on the appreciative level but I don't so oh well.  She is so much stronger than she gives herself credit for, during all of that she still stayed in school and started Nursing school this fall.  She has so much to be proud of.  Her moms birthday is next week, so we will have a cake for her too!
Until the next one....................  

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

62

So tomorrow is my dad's birthday....he is 62 now (would have been)..... I can't believe that this is his 2nd birthday not here to celebrate with us.  I was cleaning my car out today and I actually found the birthday card I bought for him on his last birthday here, I never gave it to him.  He always loved my cards because I always found the funniest ones that always some how complimented me (hard to believe I know) The funny thing about this card was it was just like the usual ones I always bought, but I didn't even fill this one out.  I didn't think about it being the last card I would give him but I'm not sure why I didn't give it to him. 
Tomorrow he would have played golf and ate steak and drank lots of wine...I'm sure he and John will be doing that tomorrow, heaven probably has the best golf courses ever, and the clubs probably don't get messed up when thrown up there : )

Everyday I think about my dad and his life, everything he did, was and still is.  I couldn't believe out of all the places to get cancer he got it in the most important part of a food lovers body.  My dad loved to eat, and it was killing him not to be able to.  I always joked with him to lighten the situation but inside I was falling apart, I wanted him to be able to eat so badly that it made me sick.  I was so excited because before he left for his surgery my mom and him went to the steakhouse and he actually ate half of a steak, he was so happy! He called me from the parking lot to tell me about it and how he had the other half in a to go box and that was his lunch for the next day.  Funny that something we do everyday can affect you so much when it's taken away.  I'm happy to know that he can eat whatever and when ever he wants. 
Time to go pack lunches for tomorrow....to bad I don't have a shirt that says
TODAY IS MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY
AND HE IS DEAD
SO DON'T PISS ME OFF

OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR HEAD : )

Today there will be no ice cream, no cake, no presents or cards to be read

just a silent birthday wishes for my Ronnie Ingram, my Dad
no candles, no party, nothing like before  

no camel walk, or wine toasts, the memories have been made

just a teary-eyed birthday wish and a day of celebrating and remembering you

This is still YOUR special day, one we won't forgetSeptember 19th
Happy Birthday to my Dad

 

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
So I will eventually post about the greatness of my life and I won't cloud it with the sorrow of not having my dad around, but today is not going to be that day! Sorry. I will say that I went to Target and bought the kids some special little prizes and had the table nice and decorated for them when they got home today.  Everyday is special for them and when they miss my dad, it's because they miss him not because I'm egging them too. I make sure to contain that emotion.  But this afternoon waiting for the bus looking at my mom and taking pictures, it took everything I had no to drop to my knees and scream and cry....mostly I wanted to scream, and not words just scream.  I understand he is dead, not PASSED he DIED for crying out loud, but I wonder when will I really ever accept it.  It is days like today, when the sky is beautiful and the clouds are so puffy that I stare into the sky and just wonder what he is doing, and if heave is so great and people are so happy there then why is it so damn hard for us here? We only get one life and we should be the ones who find the peace and they should be the sad ones until we get up there with them.  My mom finally admitted today she hasn't even begun to let herself accept any of this yet, and at that moment I realized as much as I thought I had, neither had I.  But I just looked at her and felt helpless.  How empty and alone must she feel? And nothing anyone says or does is ever going to make her whole again.  As much as I need him, she always needs him more.  I wish there was a way to make her feel safe and not hurt, it reminds me of an abandoned animal, they wander looking but they never really find their way.  And when I look in her eyes I see how lost she is.  This all sucks, sucks that part of my life seems like a blur, sucks that my dad is now past tense, that he was a father, brother, friend, uncle, veteran, and now he is ashes in a box, you live a life and then that's it, it's done and your in a container.  The day the man at the funeral home handed him to me I just looked at the box and thought so the man who busted his ass for 33 years to give me the world is this now? It was heavier than I thought ashes would be, but that is what he was now.  Than hands I held, the body I hugged, burned and in this box....My dad was suppose to be invincible, it was suppose to be someone elses dad.  I was suppose to be the friend who helped not the one who needed the help.  Ok well Coltrain just got home from his softball games so I am going to leave this and the tears for now : )  We have dinner menus to go over and I need to listen to him tell me how delicious my pork chops, potatoes, and brussel sprouts taste!!! Damn right bitches,, Danielle CrockPot is something to fear!!!

New Beginnings

So tomorrow is the first day of school, and with that brings so many emotions.  First, I'm super excited for Zachary, he is such an amazing and happy little boy and he really enjoys going to school and learning.  He rocked his SOL's and I loved seeing how proud he was of himself, he just turned 9 two days ago and starts the fourth grade this year. I'm over the sadness of losing him to school and now look forward into seeing the kid and young man he will become, where he will go with the things he enjoys and how long his academic love affair will last : ) With that being said brings on my sadness and apprehension about tomorrow, of course I'm excited that Ava is growing up but did kindergarten have to come so quickly?? She has been attached to me at the hip for the past 5 years and now tomorrow starts a new beginning for she and I.  And just like with everything no matter how excited I am or sad I am the reminder that my dad is gone is always lurking.  I'm so hurt for her that he won't be here in the morning to watch her get on the bus and her say "see ya later Poppy", my mom will be here but he is always missing.  He was here on Zach's first day and I know he will be with us, but it's not the same, it's never going to be the same ever again.  So strange to be excited or look forward to something and then realize that every new beginning is another thing he is missing.  Sometimes I for get how to make sense of it all, sometimes I think about other situations and small children who don't get their dad for 33 years, or others who get their parents for 60years or more, but the fact is that this is MY sad, my grief, my pity party, my whatever I want it to be, because I don't have my best friend to call anymore about being excited or sad about tomorrow, and I get that people have things going on everyday but this is MY thing.  I don't expect people to understand, and most days I could careless if they get it or not.  I am just sad that tomorrow he isn't going to be there to watch his baby girl go to school.

Kindergarten orientation

Zach's first Day of Kindergarten

Graduation

Flying high

So like I said last week I knew that the helicopter crash would affect me differently than all of the previous stories. I have not stopped thinking of my friends or hurtng for them.  Everything I do is a constant reminder of what my friends aren't doing.  At the beach with Chris and the kids, I was so greatful for every breath he was taking and every memory we were making.  I am very aware that life can be taken from any of us at any second, no matter what profession we are in and no matter how careful or healthy we live our lives, none of us are guarnteed anything.  I know that my friends are aware of that everythime their husbands deploy.  I love their courage and their overwhelming pride in what their husbands are doing for the world.  Just listening to them speak about what has happen they are never resentful or angry....probably because they are so proud of the accomplishments and impact their loved ones had on the world, they truly are forever heros!

My Brothers graduation from the Air Force

I remember my dad always telling Vietnam stories, I never understood or appreciated what my dad did in his time in the Army, I wish I could listen to those stories still.  My dad was so proud of my brother when he joined the Air Force, seemed so minimal to me, but I get the pride he felt now.  The sacraficies people make when they are in the military are so unappreciated until tragedy happens, kinda reminds me the saying do something nice people easily forget, hurt them and they never forget.  Sucks that people wait until someone dies to reflect on them and what great people they are.  I want to appreciate the people I love and cherish them for their good, bad, ugly, etc..... I want to be thankful for the great people I have in my life now not when something bad happens.  Sometimes that makes me a softy with my kids but you know what I don't care!! Because they are growing up no matter what, and they will always know right from wrong even if they get away with the wrong.  : ) So with that I would like to say how incedibly proud I have felt seeing all of the American Flags flying!! God Bless America, God Bless You, God Bless Me!!! Ashes to Ashes and Dust to Dust..............


I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kansas-lyrics/dust-in-the-wind-lyrics.html]

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind

Why me, why mine why now??

A military helicopter was shot down in eastern Afghanistan, killing 31 U.S. special operation troops, most of them from the elite Navy SEALs unit that killed al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden, along with seven Afghan commandos.

We hear about this almost daily, reports of soliders being killed while on a deployment. And for most of us, you read the reports, you watch the news, but these names and faces mean nothing to us.  So we stop think and feel for a few minutes and then it's back to our normal routines because luckily that person isn't our loved one or friend.  And that is exactly how I felt when I heard of this crash.  I realized what a tragedy it was and felt that 2 minutes of campassion for the families and the men killed.  But this time it was different, shortly after forgetting about the crash I learned it was Seal Team 6, and all of a sudden I learned that this was directly affecting very important people in my life.  For a second I realized how selfish I was, these men and women are fighting everyday and being killed, and it never changes my life.  But now that it has ripped apart so many I know, my thoughts and feelings have been a little bit swayed.... I chalk it up to human nature.
It has been a great comfort to see so many people extended their hearts and time to make donations etc but then part of me becomes annoyed because many of these people suddenly have "great friends" coming out of the woodworks... It seems like people have to prove they are and were friends to the families involved.
Although my heart breaks for what has happened, I know that the guys killed in that helicopter and their families understand this tragedy in a way us on the outside don't and can't.  These widows are so much stronger then any of us can imagine.  I always find it amazing when I speak to people in the military, the commitment and dedication they have to the job their doing.  I still can't help but to be broken for my friends.  Life proves to be something none of us can ever prepare ourselves for, because we truly don't know what the next second is going to bring. I don't understand so many things that have happened the past 5 years, all the death, and pain..it's so overwhelming....some days it's hard to think everything happens for a reason. I can't ask myself questions like that but this is what I do know; Sometimes life hurts us, it robs us of something, or someone, it causes pain, a pain we did not choose, ask for, or want, it leaves us feeling out of control.


They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

UGH

So today and this week have been one of those weeks where I just can't get it together, I miss him so much. I actually forgot he was dead and picked up the phone and called him, my mom still has his cell phone turned on so I even got his voicemail.  The hurt won't go away and neither does the need for him.  It's funny because some days I smell like him, and those are the days I don't want to take a shower, because I don't want the smell to go away and have to wait for it to come back. So many things I need to show him, ask him, tell him, just everything.  My head spins and I am angry but not in the angry like you would think.  And sometimes when I see someone who reminds me of him, I just stare and want to hug them.  My Unlces look and sound so much like him, that part of me wishes I could be with the everyday.  It's so overwhelming the way this feels. Every second of everyday no matter what I am doing, I am thinking about him and missing him.  I need his humor back in my life, I NEED HIM!!!!!! I think about the hospital and the end, I was so mad because we always won, we were Ingram's and we always pulled through, and this time we were defeated.  We spent the last 2 weeks in that hospital all of the time, camped out in the waiting area, and many nights I would sleep in his room, in two of the most uncomfortable chairs, I couldn't wait for him to wake up so I could complain about that.  I joked with him about his "food", when they put it in the feeding tube, because that is what we always did.  I am thankful that the last day I had with him, he was awake and I'm glad I didn't know it was almost the end, because we acted like we always would.  He even kicked me out of the room for drawing a picture of a tube going into his ass (that is what I put on my drawing) he would get so embarrassed when I talked like that. It was the best day, looking back now we could of had.  When they came to take him for the surgery he looked at me and said "Don't Leave Me", I just said you have to go, but we are waiting and love you.  And that was that, he fought so hard, and the sickness was just to much, so my family sat around and prayed for a miracle.  The miracle never came, he coded once while we were in the room, and we heard them say no pulse at least 3 times.  I knew that was the end but he made a come back then too...eventually the come backs became fewer and farther apart, and then it became obvious that we were no longer there for him anymore but for us, the meds and hospital could have kept him "ALIVE" for a long time but it was over.  My mom and brother didn't see it, but I knew, I don't know if he told me but I knew, he started bleeding out and swelling and his face started to change, so we talked and my mom understood.  We made the decision to stop the meds, the nurse came in when the meds ran out and started cutting everything off, the room was packed and we held his hand or some part of him.  Dr. Bella came in and Dr. Goldberg and a few others, he never took another breath on his own and then it was over, and then she said it (Bella) time of death 6:10, I can still hear her so clearly, and to see her and the other Dr's and nurses cry made everything even harder.  My dad had touched them and he was really never awake there.  But that quick it was over, it was all over.  We held hands and prayed, not to much because my dad...well if you knew him you know why we didn't over do it. We recited the Lord's Prayer and then we all same at the same time my dad's famous saying, "This is bullshit", and God it was.  I remember thinking how crazy it was the I just watched the man who saw me take my first breath take his last.  Life is truly something.  My mom a widow at 56, my brother and I without our dad in our 30's and my kids without their poppy!!!
My dad had been in the same room the entire time and it wasn't until he died that we heard the train whistle for the trains going by.  I believe that was my dad telling us he was ok and he was gone.  Leaving him in that room was the hardest.  But luckily Darryl, the best RN ever was working that night, he cleaned my dad all up and even put his ball cap on his head.  We left the hospital that night and headed back to the Beach, I still called the hospital and talked to Darryl and dozen times that night, because I had to check on him.....so that's that for now........as I always say TBC............

The Lord's Prayer 

Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

What is ARDS?
Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) is defined as an acute process, which results in moderate to severe loss of lung function.
What do we mean by lung function?
The cells in the body need to have oxygen to perform all their normal functions. The respiratory system includes the trachea (windpipe), bronchi, and alveoli (air sacs). The alveoli in the lungs are responsible for supplying oxygen to the blood, which will deliver it to the cells of the body. The oxygenation of the blood is accomplished by a transport of oxygen from the inhaled air in the alveoli to the surrounding blood vessels. During this exchange of gases in the alveoli, carbon dioxide is brought to the lung from the blood to be exhaled as body waste.
Then, what happens in ARDS?
In ARDS there is intense inflammation of the lung tissue, which can be caused by a variety of factors. This inflammation in the lung results in a loss of function. The alveoli lose their ability to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide with the blood. This loss of function of the alveoli is due to collapse of the air sacs and leakage of fluid (which is called edema) into the air sacs. This sequence of events can happen rapidly. It can start in one lung and advance to the other. If the inflammation persists over time, the lungs will eventually attempt to heal the damage, which results in the formation of scar tissue. The formation of scar tissue will continue to create a problem with gas (oxygen and carbon dioxide) exchange.
Are there other lung conditions that
can mimic ARDS?
Yes and this often is a challenge for the physician. Pneumonia (infection of the lung), when severe, can have a similar presentation to this syndrome. Congestive heart failure (caused by a decrease in the pumping strength of the heart) can be confused with ARDS due to a collection of fluid in the air sacs but without the alveolar damage caused by ARDS. These disorders require different treatments and therefore often further tests and diagnostic procedures are often needed to help the physician identify the condition causing the problem.
Is ARDS common?
There are about 150,000 cases reported per year in the US.
What causes ARDS?
New causes of ARDS are continually being reported with more than 60 different causes having been indentified already. This means that there is still a lot of information that we don't know and there is a continuing need for further research.
The most common causes of ARDS are pneumonia, sepsis (an overwhelming infection in the body), aspiration of fumes, food or stomach contents into the lung, and trauma. These conditions cause the body to manufacture substances that may cause inflammation in the lungs. Once inflamed, the alveoli (air sacs) are then unable to perform the normal oxygenation of the blood.
What is my relative/friend feeling?
Is there any pain?
Because ARDS results from many different causes, the symptoms can be variable. Some of the most commonly expressed are shortness of breath, cough with white/pink expectoration, and fatigue. Also important are the symptoms associated with the possible triggering cause of the disease. Examples of these include:abdominal pain in pancreatitis; fever, cough, and breathlessness in pneumonia; chills and lightheadedness in initial severe infections. After the patient is diagnosed, supportive treatment will be started or continued. Proper treatment includes pain control and sedatives to keep the patient calm and comfortable.
What can be done to treat the problem?
At the present time, no specific therapy exists to treat this disorder. The treatment is mainly supportive care in the intensive care unit. Many of the patients will require mechanical ventilation and oxygen therapy. The ventilator is a machine which assists the patient's own breathing and helps support the delivery of oxygen to the cells. The patient is connected to the ventilator by a tube, which goes through their mouth or nose to the windpipe (trachea). This tube (referred to as an endotracheal tube) passes through the vocal cords and thereby makes it impossible for the patient to speak. The patient is closely monitored in the ICU and frequent adjustments are often made to the ventilator to make sure that adequate oxygenation is occurring.
With mechanical ventilation, the patient must be kept in a comfortable, relaxed state. This is often achieved with the use of sedatives and pain medication. In severe cases of ARDS, it is often necessary to paralyze the patient for a short period of time to achieve adequate oxygenation. If the underlying cause of the syndrome can be identified, treatment is instituted to correct this problem. Treatment may include antibiotics, immunosuppressants, blood pressure supporting medications, tube feedings, and diuretics, which are used to reduce the fluid in the lungs.
What are the most important complications?
A number of different complications can occur with ARDS. Secondary bacterial infections are a common complication and contribute to continued lung injury. It is often difficult to diagnose a secondary bacterial infection in the lungs since the underlying chest x-ray is already abnormal due to ARDS. Often secretions from the lung are sent to the laboratory for bacterial analysis. These secretions can be obtained either by the nurse or respiratory therapist suctioning the patient or by a special procedure called a bronchoscopy. In a bronchoscopy a physician inserts a thin tube in the lung. This procedure is often done to obtain secretions from deeper in the lung and to allow for direct visualization of the airways.
Infections may also occur in other parts of the body such as the bloodstream, urinary tract, sinuses, skin, or gastrointestinal tract. These infections are usually discovered due to symptoms such as pain or increased temperature, which would then lead the physician to perform additional testing. Appropriate treatment, such as antibiotic therapy or drainage of the infection would routinely be instituted when infections are diagnosed.
Trauma to the lungs due to mechanical ventilation can also occur. The lungs are already weakened due to their diseased state and the additional stress caused by the ventilator to maintain adequate gas exchange may result in rupture of one of the alveoli. This results in a condition called pneumothorax, which will require the insertion of a tube into the chest to prevent or reverse lung collapse.
As discussed earlier, there are often multiple causes which lead to the development of ARDS. These underlying problems may also result in a lack of sufficient oxygen to the other organs of the body. Over time these organs may suffer damage due to the lack of adequate oxygen. The organs most frequently affected include the kidney (acute renal insufficiency), the heart, the liver (liver failure or shock liver), the brain, and the blood. Damage to these organs may complicate the care of the patient and require additional treatments.
What can we expect during the course
of the syndrome?
This is difficult to predict. Most of the patients need ventilatory assistance for a minimum of several days, and often weeks. The severity and progression of the injury determine the degree of support. Other factors that may influence the course of the syndrome include age or the presence of underlying health problems. Young, previously healthy patients often recover well and the lung injury heals rapidly. However, patients with older age or underlying health problems may have a more severe course of illness. Further deterioration of their vital organ function and an inability to tolerate the organ damage may result in death.
Some patients are able to survive from the serious complications, but continue to have slow healing of the lungs requiring prolonged mechanical ventilation. These patients usually need to have a different type of tube placed to facilitate prolonged mechanical ventilation. This type of tube is called a tracheostomy and requires a surgical hole to be placed in the patient's neck. This tube is more comfortable and allows for a more stable airway as the healthcare team works to free the patient from the ventilator. The recovery of these patients is much slower and requires careful, vigilant care to prevent any further complications during the recovery phase.
What is the Survival Rate from ARDS?
Recent data show that about 40% of patients die from ARDS. These statistics have vastly improved from a 70% mortality reported in the past. Increased awareness, better understanding of the disease process, better control of the ventilator, and improved diagnosing and therapy have been responsible for the improvement in survival.
What is the lung function of somebody who recovered from ARDS?
Recovery can be complete in ARDS survivors. The majority of patients have full recovery of lung function. The rate of recovery often depends on the individual patient. For some patients, there continues to be feeling of shortness of breath, fatigue, continued cough, or a continued need for oxygen therapy, which usually abates within the first year. Further follow-up after discharge is required so the physician can perform specialized tests to monitor for improvement or worsening of lung function.
Is there a way for the family or friends to give support during this illness?
Family and friends are critical in order to maintain the well being of the person suffering from ARDS. It is important for the family to act on behalf of the patient to work with the healthcare team in making decisions regarding treatment. To facilitate decision-making, the family members or friends need to interact with the healthcare team, ask questions, and read about the disease.
Most importantly, the family and friends should be present for the patient and attempt to impose a positive feeling.  Try to assure the patient that you are there for them and are acting to provide the best possible care for them. Even patients who are sedated or paralyzed can often understand what is being said to them and these assurances by loved ones can help decrease their anxiety. You may want to record what happens on a daily basis so that you can answer questions that the person may have after recovery.
It is also important that you remember that this is a serious condition and that many people die from ARDS and it complications. Therefore, make sure you understand what is happening. Don't be afraid to ask questions and seek clarification. This helps to create an environment of trust and support between the patient's family and the health care team. Having everyone working together towards the patient's recovery makes the process proceed smoothly.

 Sepsis-associated ARDS carries the highest mortality rates and also strikes over one-third of those who have ARDS. Therefore, ARDS Foundation felt the subject was important enough to publish a brochure addressing the relationship between ARDS and Sepsis.

Some days

There are some days that I will look at his picture or just realize that 15 years from now he is still going to be gone.  My heart start racing and beating so fast it feels like it is going to explode out of my chest. And it hurts, A LOT... I try to calm myself and think positive but it is to big, all of this is to big for me.  I just need to talk to him, to tell him Zachary made honor roll the entire school year, or to tell him all the funny things that the kids say and do.  I would talk to him at least 5 times a day.  I miss him calling me and asking me why I bother having a phone, because I never answer.  I just miss HIM. I need my dad.  Everyday I need my dad.  Funny because people ask me when certain holidays come around if I am ok or if I have been thinking about him more because Father's Day is coming, and sometimes I just say yes, because unless you have lived this, you don't understand.  NO holidays aren't harder, every day is hard, I don't need special holidays to think about him.  Tomorrow could be harder than his birthday, and SSaturday could be harder than Sunday, grief isn't typical and it has no control.  I don't mean to sound so pitiful, because there are days I'm ok, but the sadness never goes away.  I look at people and think, my dad will never be an old man, he doesn't get to hang out with his brothers anymore, he doesn't get to do his Route 66 trip, my mom us alone, and I wonder if people ever stop to realize how fortunate to be where they are? So many things that my family and dad were robbed of, he just died to soon.  I wasn't ready to be without him, my mom wasn't ready to be a widow, my kids deserved to know him.  I know he knew he wasn't going to make it through this, he never said it but looking back now he didn't have to.  After his surgery he was never really conscious again.  a little some days but we never really ever spoke again.  The last day we had together was amazing, when mom and I made it to the hospital, he was sitting up and very alert.  We had become friends with several of the Drs and RN's, so as soon as we got in the room, Dr. Bella(love her) peeked in and said he had been telling her to shut up all morning, it was so funny.  My mom told him he had to behave, he had the compression wraps on his legs to keep him from getting blood clots, and he was so annoyed.  He kept telling us to take them off and when we told him we couldn't he kept telling is it was bullshit! I showed him pics of the kids and some projects I had done, he was having a hard time talking so I held his hand and he wrote what he was trying to say.  I was so happy and knew things were looking up.  He was scheduled to have a procedure done sometime that afternoon, he was having his lungs drained because the fluid was building up.  So we spent every second with him until they came to get him.  I remember his face so vividly and after we said our see you laters, he looked me dead in my face and said "DON"T LEAVE ME", and I told him, he had to go but I would be there when the surgery was over waiting for him.  That was the last thing my dad ever said to me....the look on his face was the most scared I had ever seen on any person, and I withdrew, because he couldn't be scared, and neither could we.  It was a simple procedure and it was going to get us where we needed to be to get us out of there.  Or so we thought, after the procedure he was having a difficult time saturating the vent, so by the end of the night he was back unconscious and the nightmare was just beginning. 
Mom and I drove back home that night because I had court the next morning for that guy who had killed his girlfriend and decided to confess the deed to me (how fortunate for me) and it was one of the few times my mom had left Richmond in weeks.  Of course we call and check on him all night and everything was as good as it could be, still not worried.  Then later that afternoon, I called to check in with my mom and my dad had coded and they said we needed to get there.  Luckily my brother was on his way to the Beach for a work meeting and when my mom received the call Ronnie was right in Richmond, so he was able to get to the hospital.  I left court immediately and we were back at the hospital again.  By the time I made it back, my dad was "stable" again.  He was holding his own and things were looking back up.  Still having the lung and breathing issue, but he was breathing!!! So the doc's said we needed to give it a few days and see how everything goes.  It was the next morning that they told us my dad had A.R.D.S, (acute respiratory distress syndrome), I had never heard of this, and most people haven't! We were told to sing to him, talk to him, everything we already had been doing anyways.  I sang to him all of the time and even gave him a few mani and pedi's! Talked to him a lot.  I watched him as he just lay there, it was probably the most he had rested in 30 years. He looked amazing, hardly had any wrinkles.  I kept a journal of all the funny things I wanted to tell him when he came home.  We watched American Idol, and I filled him in on the contestants, he loved that show!!! The staff were amazing because they always made sure the t.v. was on his favorite shows and that he had the radio on.  He had the best nurse Darryl, who I couldn't wait to tell dad about, oh the stories I had ready for him.  He always took the best care of my dad, they all did really and they were always there for my mom.  I'm going to stop for now..... TBC

A.R.D.S
Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) occurs when fluid builds up in the tiny, elastic air sacs (alveoli) in your lungs. More fluid in your lungs means less oxygen can reach your bloodstream. This deprives your organs of the oxygen they need to function.
ARDS typically occurs in people who are already critically ill or who have significant injuries. Severe shortness of breath — the main symptom of ARDS — usually develops within a few hours to a few days after the original disease or trauma.
Many people who develop ARDS don't survive. The risk of death increases with age and severity of illness. Of the people who do survive ARDS, some recover completely while others experience lasting damage to their lungs.

Symptoms

References

The mechanical cause of ARDS is fluid leaked from the smallest blood vessels in the lungs into the tiny air sacs where blood is oxygenated. Normally, a protective membrane keeps this fluid in the vessels. Severe illness or injury, however, can cause inflammation that undermines the membrane's integrity, leading to the fluid leakage of ARDS. The most common underlying causes of ARDS include:
• Sepsis. The most common cause of ARDS is sepsis, a serious and widespread infection of the bloodstream.
• Inhalation of harmful substances. Breathing high concentrations of smoke or chemical fumes can result in ARDS, as can inhaling (aspirating) vomit.
• Severe pneumonia. Severe cases of pneumonia usually affect all five lobes of the lungs.
• Head or chest injury. Accidents, such as falls or car crashes, can directly damage the lungs or the portion of the brain that controls breathing.

The Diagnosis

The Birthday Princess and her Daddy

I remember my dad telling me that he was having a hard time swallowing, and he mentioned it a few times, I blew it off initially, nut the one conversation I remember having was in the kitchen at his house.  I knew he must have been worried about it because it was rare my dad complained about that kind of stuff.  But he said he had talked to my aunt and that a few of my dad's uncle's had to have their throat's stretched, so that sounded good to me.  The next morning my Uncle Tommy, dad, and Zachary left for NJ, to go to my cousin Jason's Coast Guard promotion ceremony.  And after that it is all kinda a daze.  My dad scheduled his appointment and he went in they said he would receive a call back with results in a few days, they called back in less than 3 hrs.  We knew that wasn't a great sign but at this point it wasn't cancer yet. So he had an appointment with the Doc on Monday at 11....I talked to him before he and my mom left and I knew everything would be ok.  He was my dad and the possibility of him having cancer never crossed my mind.  He had just had heart surgery the year before and a heart attack about 7 yrs earlier, I just didn't think it was possible for anything else serious to go wrong.  After 3 hrs had went by and I hadn't heard from them, I started to get worried, but I figured they just went to lunch and Sam's club.  Then my phone rang, it was my mom, crying hysterically.  I just said "it's cancer?" and she said "yes". I hung up and I drove over.  That was the strangest ride over and I will never forget how I felt when I pulled into the driveway, it was 100 degrees and I was freezing and hollow inside.  I sat there because I didn't want my dad to see the fear in my face and I think honestly I didn't want to see the fear in his.  I walked in, and it was so dark in there, my dad came in the kitchen and we just hugged and cried ALOT!! I remember asking him, "What does this mean"? At this point we didn't know much...we knew he had Esophageal Cancer and that was about it.
Things moved along quickly, it was stage 2, contained in the esophagus, and everything sounded promising.  But something was always off.  I was very content with what we were being told and I guess because it all seemed so positive I never asked any complex questions, at some point I checked out of it and pretending he wasn't sick.  He was diagnosed in August and scheduled surgery in December.  We were ready to tackle this and get it out of him.  The tumor was very large and made eating very difficult for him, and he hated that because my dad loved to eat!!!! He had 2 stints put in but they didn't seem to help much.  He began his chemo and radiation in October, he handled that very well.. he was tired and weak but nothing to bad.  Things were moving along and we were ready for surgery.  We had our last Thanksgiving at my Aunt Dee's and Uncle Rick's and he was able to eat a little, funny the small things you are thankful for when you aren't able to do them anymore.  So December got here pretty quick, and it was off to Richmond we went.  The initial plan was after the surgery he would be in the hospital for 10 days, we knew it would be a little longer than that, just the way everything went with my dad. 
December 13th, mom and dad leave for Richmond- I didn't go up because as my dad said "I'm just going to be shitting all night because of this crap they are making me drink, so you stay with the kids and come tomorrow".  He cried when we hung up, and the last thing we said was I love you like we always did. 
December 14th- Surgery Day... Mom, Haidy, and Uncle Tommy were there when I got there, dad's surgery was up at MCV, I remember driving up listening to Pink.  When I arrived to the hospital, he was still in surgery.  It seemed like forever, but finally the surgeon came out and got us, took us into a room and let us know dad was out of surgery.  The surgery took longer than expected, as one of the stints had eroded in dad's esophagus, so he removed dad's entire esophagus.  He also said dad lost a lot of blood during the surgery. But all and all it was a success.  So we headed down to the CCU and waited patiently until we were able to get back there and see him.  Finally, they called us back, I walked into the room and he was laying there with his tongue out, so I laughed at him, and was going to take his picture so we could joke around about it later, because that is what we do, but I didn't.  Anyways, 10 days turned into 20, 20 into 30 and so on.  It went from one complication to another.  My mom stayed up there the entire time.  Funny because even though he was having a hard time the thought of him not coming home never crossed any of our minds.  He was having a hard time coming off the vent, and we later discovered his lungs had been damaged from the radiation.  My dad spent Christmas in there, not awake, but I sat in that room right beside him and made sure I tortured him with Ralphie, we watched it all night until the marathon was over.  My mom had decorated his room for Christmas with a small tree and all.  So Christmas came and left, still no improvement.  I came home, but the Christmas decorations were not coming down until my dad came home, anyways it was NYE, so back to Richmond we went, our family from NY met us and we all went to the hospital, my dad was awake, but not really to alert.  We left hospital, went to dinner because NYE is also my sister-in-laws birthday, after dinner, we went back to hotel, at midnight we called hospital and all 20 of us rang the NY in with dad, the people at the hospital prob thought we were crazy...or just realized that they man they had in that bed was one of the most loved people in the world! So we ended 2009 in Richmond, hoping that 2010 was going to bring us the health and happiness 2009 took from us! My dad was set to retire and my mom was planning a big 60th birthday.  We thought 2010 was the New Year we had been waiting for!!! TBC...


Esophageal Cancer facts:Esophageal cancer (EC) is a devastating disease. Although some patients can be cured, the treatment for esophageal cancer is protracted, decreases quality of life, and is lethal in a significant number of cases. The ideal treatment is debatable. Defendants of surgical treatment argue that resection is the only treatment modality to offer curative intent; whereas defendants of nonsurgical approach claim that esophagectomy has a prohibitive index of mortality and that esophageal cancer is an incurable disease.

Esophageal cancer is cancer that occurs in the esophagus — a long, hollow tube that runs from your throat to your stomach. Your esophagus carries food you swallow to your stomach to be digested.
Esophageal cancer usually begins in the cells that line the inside of the esophagus. Esophageal cancer can occur anywhere along the esophagus, but in people in the United States, it occurs most often in the lower portion of the esophagus. More men than women get esophageal cancer.
Signs and symptoms of esophageal cancer include:

• Difficulty swallowing (dysphagia)
• Weight loss without trying
• Chest pain, pressure or burning
• Fatigue
• Frequent choking while eating
• Indigestion or heartburn
• Coughing or hoarseness

Early esophageal cancer typically causes no signs or symptoms.
When to see a doctor
Make an appointment with your doctor if you have any persistent signs and symptoms that worry you.

(Mayo Clinic)

Push It

Myrtle Beach 2010

Classic hit the ball from the mouth tee

Ava putting for Poppy

Nicki and Terry

Ronnie Miles

Zach putting for Poppy

Today started out like most of my days, woke Zach up and off to school he went, sat downstairs and watched my dvr'd shows from the night before waiting for Ava to wake up.  Today I had a doctor appointment scheduled and of course the mini-human accompanied me.  The days was going pretty good and then Push It came on the radio and I had a melt down....and YES I said PUSH IT by Salt-N-Peppa!! Not a sad song, nope not at all, but completely a Ron Ingram song, who refused to sing it correctly, it was not Push It to my dad, it was Bullshit!! And that is how he always sang it.  Most days its the small things I miss the most, the awful jokes that he would tell, that were funny the first five times, but never seemed to lose their humor to him, which were then follwed by my mom yelling at him "Shut the hell up Ron", and him quickly telling her, "Aww go to hell", it was awesome.  I miss when I let the cat out he would ALWAYS say without fail, "Yeah, go out and play with the big trucks."  I miss when we would be somewhere together if something or someone interesting walked in, we would just look at each other and laugh.  Lot's of things I miss, but this week I miss the infamous Annual Myrtle Beach Trip.  This trip was something that my dad (and John) looked forward to every year and NOTHING or NO ONE would keep them from Myrtle Beach during the month of May! It is a group of 25+ friends from all over, who meet up and play golf, cook out, drink and just enjoy each other and their time away from their wives, children, grandchildren, and work.  My dad had gone to MB ever since I can remember, John would come pick him up, because John always had the pimp car, and they would leave at the butt crack of dawn, every year they were just as excited as the year before. Looking back now, I'm so glad my dad had those memories.  John was in charge of making all the arrangements and getting the deposits etc, doing all the leg work that no one would want to do, and when he died my dad started arranging the trip, and that is when the trip turned into the John Miles golf trip.  I will never forget how pitiful my dad looked the night before he would leave, I hurt for him because I knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling.  He always said Bullshit, in fact thinking backing definitely a Ron Ingram Phrase, and I know that is exactly what he felt, it was BULLSHIT that John was a memory and not here to take these trips and smoke my dad out with his stinky cigars! Those two were so funny.  So for 10 years they had the Annual John Miles trip, and even before my dad's surgery was scheduled he was already receiving checks from around the country with every one's deposit.  So unfortunately my dad didn't make it to Myrtle Beach last year but all the guys invited my mom, brother, sis-n-law, Nicki (John's daughter) and I down for cookout night.  Well that was huge considering it is pretty much forbidden for women to be on scene there (unless she is a stripper : ) ) So we went and it was great to meet so many of the people we had heard stories about and had even spoken to on the phone.  They had some great golf shirts made for everyone, very classic and tasteful, one sleeve says John Miles 1999 and the other Ron Ingram 2010.  Well let me say that is DOUBLE BULLSHIT!!! Some days I can't fathom how on earth we lost them both. I want to be angry but it doesn't change anything.  Doesn't change the shirts, the hurt, the anything.  How is it that the diagnoses and everything were almost identical time frames..John's was on dad's 50th and my dad's on his 60th. I can't comprehend that, no matter how hard I try.  Back to MB, our trip was great as I said, one of the guys, who my dad told us about, said he was the nicest guy but always has that damn camera out : ) Well thank God he did, he and Ronnie Miles (John's brother) made everyone some really great cd's and dvd of their MB trip the previous year.  Pictures of them on the golf course and video of them all intoxicated dancing and singing.  The best part of that video was when my dad walked out because he was on the phone with my mom.  I know she liked it to but it was so hard watching knowing it was her that was on the other end of that call.  Anyways we had a great trip down, and I understood why my dad loves all of those guys so much.  We had a nice little memorial/tribute to my dad, we all walked out on to the course and hit golf balls.  Terry (another close friend) made a nice little speech and then the fun started. 
It's funny because people always think as time goes by your healing should get easier, well I can tell you, the hurt changes but easy is not a word I would use to describe any of this.  Everyday has new challenges.  Some days you feel guilty for being happy and letting joy back into your life, for every new chapter that begins that is one more reminder that he is gone and it's permanent.  So many things that happen with the kids everyday that he lived for knowing, I would say he misses but he doesn't they miss out because they will never know how everything they did made him feel.  They will never understand that my parents would do anything and I mean anything for those two.  If Zachary and Ava wanted something they got it. And my dad would make sure of that.  I am happy that right before dad's diagnosis he took Zach to Ford's Colony and they played golf together.  My dad was so excited, and of course Zachary came back with clubs.  My dad made great memories with his grand kids and made sure they knew how much he loved them.  Hopefully one day Zachary and his friends can start their own MB golf outings.

John Miles 1999

                                  Ron Ingram 2010

This was John's last golf outing before he died

SN: On one of the trips my mom had called my dad and one of the guys answered, so my mom asked to speak to Ronnie, my dad picks up the phone and says "Hey Mary", my mom says "Who the Hell is Mary", ha ha ha, well my dad started laughing and explained that this particular year they weren't up for any clubs so they had called around to have the club come to them!!!! So BUSTED!!!! we still talk about that, just another classic moment amongst the Ingram's!

My Dad, My Angel

Your battle is now over, no more tears do I have to watch you cry,

You can breathe again dad, you have been healed

no more pain, and no more suffering, will you ever have feel again

Enjoy your days in heaven, drinking wine, eating all the steak and chocolate ice cream you can,
 and playing countless rounds of golf with John, I'm happy the two of you can finally play together again

I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad, the greatest man I ever knew.
You were always there for me and that I always knew, no matter what it ever was

 I could always count on you, you were my best friend Dad, I love that I'm so much like you

Until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye
You never gave up, you fought until there was nothing left in you
This was never how we planned this, but I think you always knew
I know you weren't ready and would have stayed if you could

Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
Just make sure your still here for me to hug me when I cry
Because you still are my dad even though you died

Our time together was the best and your life ended way to soon

The Little Things

Today I came across my dad's lunch box, and I am pausing a moment because it is still taking my breath away.  I knew that it was here, I just hadn't opened it yet.  My dad has had this lunch box for 10 years at least, and my mom packed it for him and had it on the counter ready for him every night.  I opened it up and he had his utensils and other misc things in there but the one thing that stood out was his chap stick.  I opened it and you could still see the marks from his lips on it.  I wanted to rub that tube all of me, I even smelled it. Funny how I have so many of his things and something so simple as a little thing of chap stick can make you so sad and become so sentimental.  I left everything the way it was and I decided not to start using the chap stick because I didn't want it to be gone.  Funny because right before his surgery he went for his Sam's Club shopping extravaganza and he bought me paper towels, cat food, trash bags, and juice boxes, and I just now threw away the wrappers because they were the last things he touched.  I can see how some people become hoarders because if it is anything he bought for the kids, Chris or myself, I don't want anyone to touch it.  I know eventually I won't be so obsessive about things like this. I was the same way with things from John, and if you notice my dad must have been too because he adopted a lot of John's shirts, I'm sure it made it feel closer to John.  I tell people when they ask me how I am doing that it is usually the days that you don't think about that are harder than highly anticipated days.  This year I did alright during Christmas, and New Years, I was a disaster, just layed in bed. I missed Jeff's (Misty's husband) 40th birthday because I couldn't bring myself to do normal.  Sometimes I wish I could just wear a shirt that says 'HEY I'M HAVING A TIME OUT FROM LIFE RIGHT NOW, MY DAD DIED AND I CAN'T DEAL TODAY, DON'T NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND JUST NEED YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE'. or maybe I need time out dad is dead, who knows, some days the hurt and grief is so overwhelming that I don't want to talk about it, I don't want the sympathy, and I definitely don't want the I'm sorry's, or he's with you, or all the repetitious things that sound good.  I know it is said with only the best intentions but the truth is unless you have actually gone through this, you can imagine how I feel but you honestly don't know. So some days, yes, even a year later, I just need to deal with it my way and unfortunately that means withdrawing for a day or so, or maybe just an hour.  Unless you can tell me what happened was complete bull shit than just wait for me to shake it.  And not all memories make me cry and sad but my dad was so young that it is hard to see his death as a positive and because it all happened so fast it's hard for me to say well at least he isn't suffering anymore.  Because as awful as this sounds, his suffering was as bad as it could have been and if I knew he was going to die I would have chose him to suffer a little longer.  6 month from diagnoses to death is just not comprehendible to me.  And 2 months of those he was basically in a coma. I know I sound like a complete jerk but our time with my dad wasn't up.  I hate that the memories Zachary and Ava have of him will continue to fade until soon they won't remember him at all.  They will never understand and know how much he adored them.  They will never feel and know the love he gives.  To be loved by that man was truly amazing....I was lucky and am thankful that he was my dad.......tbc : )

Coltrain update:

Ava got her cast put on today, and to my surprise she picked a blue cast.  She is being a trooper but is definitely soaking up all of the attention and pretends to be handicapped when it suits her, funny girl.  The utility room is back up and running and is amazing!!! Can't believe a washer and dryer could be so exciting...yipee for growing mature (lol) Zachary wants to do chores and get paid $5 a week, I agreed because I am not a psychic but I feel confident when I say I don't see that lasting long!!!

Mother's Day....

Happy Mother's Day!! Sometimes it is still hard to believe that I am a mom.  How lucky am I to be apart of something so great yet sooooo hard! I remember when I was pregnant how cute it all seemed.  I was so lucky with Zachary and Ava, they were the easiest babies.  They both started pulling all nighters when they were about 3 weeks old, had no formula or food issues ever, were rarely sick, no reflux, nothing.  I can honestly say that I was a happy mom, I never felt overwhelmed or stressed.  I enjoyed every minute of motherhood from the beginning and because of that I have made great memories with both of my kids.  Zachary was definitely my mild mannered child, we did everything together.  I would put him on the back of my bike and we would go everywhere. He was the happiest kid.  Ava on the other hand, well she became her sweet self at an early age!! They both never stop amazing me.  They definitely can brighten any day.. but I will tell ya, I thought once I got past the toddler stage it would be smooth sailing, HA HA HA!! Zachary is 8 and becoming his own person, starting to have his own opinions and voicing them, and Ava well she is Ava and she always voices her opinion.  Funny how you have stages of motherhood as well as different levels of difficulty, who would have thought you never get a break?! : ) Makes me realize what an amazing person my mom really is.  Being a parent is not easy.  Being a family isn't easy, keeping your sanity and not losing yourself isn't easy either.  Luckily I have always had a great support system and have never totally lost myself in all of the 'MOMMY MADNESS'!!!
I was talking with Zach today and reminded him that today was my special day, and he looked at me and said "Mom, everyday is your special day, you always do what you want".  And that got me thinking, I use to take so much for granted, and when I am on facebook, I read peoples posts and how their husbands tell them on a specific day that they love them, or they get to go get a manicure or pedicure etc, and I finally got it, Chris tells me everyday at least 10 times that he loves me for no reason, or he just gives me that little rub or pat, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, I always do the special things for myself, and these are things that he does for me everyday not just on designated days.  I use to get so mad at him for not saying Happy Birthday enough or not getting a card to go with the gift or all the little dumb things that didn't matter.  Funny how I focused on the little things he didn't do but I never thanked him or appreciated what he did do.  He always tells me what a good mom I am, and thanks me for being so good to the kids. I am a lucky girl.  And the days I chose to be unlucky and pouty are because that is just what I feel like doing : ) Anyways I have my new p.j's on and I am ready for bed.  Have to take my Ava to get her cast put on in the a.m.
Until next time........ here is a little poem for all the mommy's

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.

Just John

3 best friends

One of John's last trips on Golf Course

John and Nicki

He had the best smile

He was a classic

And it happen like this......

So John was released from the hospital after all of the tests and diagnosis, and it was my dad's 50th birthday. We had planned a big party for my dad and of course none of else really felt like celebrating. I had also recently gotten engaged to Chris and since we all knew that John was getting worse by the second we would celebrate our engagement that night as well. I knew that we couldn't plan an engagement party quick enough for John to be able to attend and we all wanted him at as many events as he could be at. We made it through the party and we all celebrated something much more than my dad's birthday and my engagement, we celebrated each other. And for the the first time I realized how lucky we were to all be together and how genuinely we all loved one another. I was still in shock however that I gave up gifts and "my night" to make a memory with John and my family that was shortly going to be taken away from us. Normally I would share nothing with no one : ) The next few weeks were spent at John's house bringing him candy and listening to him ring this obnoxious bell he would ring whenever he needed us. We all spent a lot of time together, talking about the past and all of the good times, and talking about the future and what a tremendous hole we were all going to have in our hearts. We were scared and sad but happy at the same time. So many emotions, crazy now still thinking about it. I remember the night he died still so vividly, he was awake and alert up until the last moment. We were all there together. Nicki, my mom and dad, and Johns sister and her husband. I remember wanting to grab him and run far away, hoping it would keep him breathing longer, as the end drew closer the panic grew stronger, I just kept looking at how pitiful my dad looked, and knew that out of everyone of us standing around my dad would miss him the most. I know it sounds selfish but I didn't want him to leave my dad. The bond my dad and John had was so special, they were the best of friends. I knew my dad was going to be truly lost without his friend. And so John died, November 1999, and it still isn't much easier. I can still hear his voice as if he were in the same room with me. His death brought his daughter Nicki back to the area because she lived in Suffolk for a while and we rekindled our childhood friendship, and I was thankful for that. Because she is so much like him that it was a comfort and a peacefulness to be around her in the beginning. I know she made my dad feel better too. My dad would always light up when she was around.
So we all kept on with our lives, my dad like I figured had a hard time especially when it came time for their annual Myrtle Beach trip. Those always sucked!
So for 10 years I cherished every second spent with my family and friends. Even when they annoyed me and pissed me off, I always tried to keep things into perspective because of how quickly everything happened with John. One day we are out to dinner and literally 2 days later he is in a hospital bed being told he has terminal cancer, and he walked in to the hospital fine and just a few short days later had to have the assistance of a walker. It was that fast. So I didn't want to waste time or not cherish every holiday, every cookout, every lunch at Rancho Grande etc...but I will tell you I never once thought 10 years later my dad would be gone too!!!! So how ironic is it that the diagnosis and everything came in the same time frame. It was right before my dad's 60th birthday. My mom had been planning a surprise party and retirement party. We were going to all meet in Delaware (one of the beaches), the guys would golf like always and the ladies would shop. Funny that party had to be altered too. It was still a great party just different than it was suppose to have been. I never thought that that was going to be my dad's last birthday. I never thought that with a diagnosis of Esophageal Cancer that he was going to die. TBC

John's Song by Louis Armstrong:What A Wonderful World lyricsSongwriters: Thiele, Robert; Weiss, George David;I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/louis-armstrong-lyrics/what-a-wonderful-world-lyrics.html -]
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Oh yeah
May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month!!!!!!



Quick Tool Time Train update:
OK so momma got her new washer and dryer. Front loaders and these puppies are pretty!!!! But of course nothing we do ever goes smoothly, we need new plugs and our old detergent is no longer of any use to us, we now have to use HE detergent!!!

Cinco De Mayo a.k.a Danielle Day of Fun report:
So my lunch date with Suzanne turned out to be quite the adventure! Brian a.k.a Daddy Warbucks joined us and got hammered, we were feeling no pain and doing tequila shots at 2:45 in the afternoon, met new friends, Va's own Ronnie and blond snookie, we left with hats, necklaces, and mustaches!! And the best quote of the day came from none other than Ava, "you guys had to much refills"!!!! What a fun afternoon!